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Thanks to Dj I�couldnt �get the I.D. I need to get married. I have two choices either get another one or find out what he did with my i.d. I have searched the house and cant find it, yesterday I got the b.certificate with the raised seal so� that is fine. I must have the picture id before the 23of january which I will because I will make it happen believe me. Well I have the rent money so Iam very happy about that now I just need to figure out how Iam going to pay my phone bill. God will work it out for both of us financially and otherwise. There will be changes in 2009, my kids are in for a shock I am going to be on them like flies on shit ! Every move they make Iam going to breathing down their necks, they lack discipline I dont blame anyone but myself for this. Daniel is in for a rude awakening. We talked late into the night cant recall who fell asleep first usally its him, yet I think it was me this time. Oh yeah got my glasses today too, its gonna take some getting use to that is for sure. Not really my style but hey at leats I can see lol.

Were getting better aquainted with each other as the days turn into weeks. He is quite comfortable asking personal questions it seems. Yesterday he asked how often did I masturbate and I replied "not enough". Im sure my boldness was a suprise . I� am opening up to him, and learning to trust him. Iam concerend about our intial meeting, will he be the same person will I be the same person. will there be strange silence that we both try to fill with innate words ? Not sure what to expect., feeling a little nervous/ anxious. He is so unique, from his humor to his views about life� as a christian. He is very open minded� this is a plus. Which is something I shared with Eli I also told him he didnt mind me wearing jeans or being abstract. He found this� revelation hard to accept, in addition to the fact that he isnt trying to sex me. It obvious he isnt receptive to me dating anyone with out his approval which I dont need.� Eli many references to my "good pussy" is a turn off, Iam not my vagina. All these years and he still manages to objectify me.� It is as if he lurking around the corner of my� new life praying that it will come unglued so he can say "I told you so". He got kinda sour the other week when I told him that i would not be coming to his home late at night to "chill". He cant fuck so that is not the issue,� however his lack of respect for the word NO is . Ruth says I should stop talking to Eli she is right, he does not have my best interest at heart, he� ulterior motive is to get fucked not happening. Sexually he repulses me, he dick is smaller than my thumb and b4 I can count to 20 its over.

�Enough about Eli, my "man" is in church 2night being about God's biz.� A man that loves god and me is ideal. If he never alters his personality it would be cool with me. Im cogitating� running into his arms when� I see him, it is going to take alot of restraint on my part to play it cool.

�

another year has come to an end so raise your glass and toast your friend to love to life to freinds so dear to those who can not be here.we wish you all the very best .happy new year to all

Work to do with Sonny(my horse)

• Lower his head
• slow his jog
• work on dressage
• roll backs
• Speed & action(contesting)
• Key hole(contesting)
• Get to know more of his cues
• pole bending( Im already top in my age group in this but I want to get him moving faster)

Me

• Work on equetation in english
• practice showmanship
• get Sonny new tie down and headstall
• Make it to state again with Sonny

Deisel's stong points:

1. freindly and willing to please
2. calm when with the herd, leads away ok.
3. good pesonal space manners
4. moves forward and turns in hand very well
5. goes through the gate well
6. not pushy at the barn door
7. ok to touch him anywhere
8. halters up ok, keeps head low naturally

Deisel needs work here:

1. Picking up his feet...loses balance easily. Drops feet prematurely (only pick up feet in good traction for now)
2. Get him to lead away from the herd without going nuts once he can't see them.
3. doesn't stop immediatly in hand
4. not moving way from pressure yet.
5. heavy on the front, shoulders drop into turns
6. needs to learn how to lounge...if I can find a place that isn't too slippery!
7. Remember that he is young and not the sharpest fish in the shed

Khadin's strong points:

1. backs up like a champ from the ground
2. In hand: walk, pay attention, stop and turns like a champion
3. Lounges awseome...good whoa response and only approaches when told to. goes both ways without complaint now
4. Loads and unloads great
5. stands still for halter, saddle and mounting against the fence
6. easy catcher, never turns away when� I approach
7. calm under saddle both western and english
8. responds to pressure on head, shoulder, ribs and hips

Khadin needs work on these:

1. NO gas pedal under saddle without a bridle. Ok with the halts and plow reining with a halter.
2. Need to get the snaffle on him.
3. sensitize him to the bit on the ground
4. get him a lot lighter with the leg cues (thick skinned)
5. get him less pushy handling his rear legs
6. desensitize his sheath area...he is worried touching will cause pain.
7. get him to stand still for a few minutes after mounting...he gets bored too easily
8. Figure out why he is so reluctant to trot while in hand ???

�

Cara's good stuff:

• showed her that turning away from me when I approach is hard work
• getting her to remember to respond to leg cues from the ground. Progressing very well
• she lowers her head on verbal command and pressure on the poll
• she collects like a champ...really light on the front.
• stands still for mounting from a fence
• lowers head for halter/bridle and takes bit really well
• really good with healthy feet...sore foot requires caution (she will pick it up but stomp it down)
• ghost leads perfectly except a little rough moving away from me without halter cues
• lounges well in both directions...still ignores whoa if loping or at a fast trot
• ties quietly

Cara needs work here:

• learning to stop on whoa at a all speeds
• move away sideways/turn without halter cues while leading
• get her softer with the leg cues
• supple her with a bit on the ground
• lots of one rein stops to control her speed...likes to go too hard
• butte, saddle her and ride her every third day
• habitually holds her head too high...need a martingale so she doesn't get pissed off with my constant reminders.

�

Wow. 2009 already!

Can't help wondering what could have been. It happens every year. Today would have been my mother's birthday, she'd be 71.

If, if, if, I play this game with myself where I go back to a random time in our lives - hers and mine. I pull her out of her picture and insert her into mine. I say, "If she was sober she would have loved to be part of this with me."�

Today, she's been gone (dead) for almost 20 years but she's still very vivid in my head. I can still hear her�laugh and�the smell of her Emerade perfume mixed with hairspray and cigarettes. That look in her�eyes that always made me feel sorry for her, guilty for everything that made her unhappy.��The way she'd hold her cigarette or�break a new piece of gum in half. The sound of ice clinking in her glass when she'd call me too late at night just to ask me something that would always lead to an argument. How she danced. That she was shorter than me. How she looked with those curlers she put in her hair every single night. How she called her mother "Mama".�Her "I love you" only spoken through�a drunken slur.�The sound of her purse snapping shut, her keys in her hand and the ring she always wore on her pinkie. She was so pretty but she didn't think so. She got alot of attention from men but she always chose the worst to bring home. She cried often, I rememer what that sounded like too.

If she were sober and here now I'd love to have her with me everyday to do all the simple things my days are full of. We'd have coffee together in the morning, we'd go shopping for our groceries together just like we did every Saturday when I was a kid. I'd take her to the mall and we'd have lunch and shop till we were exhausted. I'd make my spaghetti sause for her, not quite like hers but I know she'd love it. We'd watch old movies and cry - then laugh at ourselves. She'd love being with my kids and be so proud of all they've done with themselves. She'd get on a plane and go see her grandaughter in Portland because she'd want to see what its like for her up there. She'd go check out my son's office, so proud to be introduced as his Grandma Carolyn. I know she'd be at every one of the football games to see our baby play for only a minute or two, because she'd want him to know she was proud of him. She'd be thrilled with Danny because - because he is thrilling! His life is full and she'd be constantly wanting to hear his latest escapade. I'd help her clean her house and she'd iron my pillowcases. We'd do everything and nothing together. We'd go for walks downtown and sit in�my yard watching�the flowers grow. I'd go to her first when I needed someone to listen and she'd be the first I told when I got my job with Pam.

What could have been might have been like that, might have been different we'll never know so I might as well have it as sweet as sugar. This is my story now, I'll tell it my way.

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries, her secret disguised behind the lies.� And at night she cries away her pride, with eyes shut tight staring at her inside.� All her friends know why she can't sleep at night, all her family asking is she alright.� All she wants to do is get rid of this hell, well all she's got to do is stop kiddin herself.� She can only fool herself for so long...

Christmas is over. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Thank goodness.

Thank Shirley really. I think it was a gift from her that she passed on the 23rd. I know Dad was dredding the 25th with her still suffering in her bed. He told me how Lisa was making plans that everyone would come to his house for Christmas day. She just told him that that's what was going to happen. I imagine she thought she was helping him, thinking that he'd want his family there to comfort him that day. She was good intentioned I'm sure.� It took him a minute but he realized that it wasn't sittin well with him and put a halt to the preparations, pointed out the obvious: how can I stand having a houseful of celebrators when my wife is dying in the back bedroom?? "Just ain't right" he told her and she agreed, "I don't know what I was thinking."�

So that was that, he ordered food for only himself, Jan and Lee to be picked up on�xmas eve. And as it turned out, Shirley was gone, everything that�Hospice had supplied for her was removed by them the same morning that she passed (within hours). There was nothing to do, no more cries from the back room, no more meds to measure and record, no more whispers of love,�no more promises that it's going to be ok.�

The vigil ended almost as suddenly as it started. I know it's going to take time for all of them that watched 24/7 over Shirley to accept that, I imagine their pain and emtiness is too much for them at times, I'll help my Dad as much as he'll let me but losing his wife is mostly his burdon to bear.�